Coward
by SparklingTears
Summary: /ONESHOT/It has been 3 months since Severus' one cursed insult tore the final thread of his friendship with Lily. Now he meets Lily, drunk, in the dead of the night and how could he possibly make her understand?


**_Coward_**

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_Disclaimer: I don't own any of these beautifully crafted characters._

_Setting: Marauders' Era. Lily's and Severus' final year, some months after the dreadful incident in which Severus' one cursed insult tore the final thread of his friendship with Lily._

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Snape walked silently in the dark corridors leading to the Slytherin common room.

It was after patrol hours, and he walked as quietly as he could to sneak back without attracting Finch's or peeves attention. He had taken particularly long today to practice his hexes in the room of requirement, and in his fervent focus on hitting all the Potter-shaped targets he forgot the time. _Potter._ That vile, stuck-up moron. How could he have allowed potter to come between him and Lily?

He gritted his teeth in bitter anguish and turned a dark corner.

Suddenly, human-sized shadow suddenly flung itself at him. His heart stilled as he plunged his hand into his robes for his wand, alarm and shock making his senses fully alert.

"Sev…"A soft familiar voice mumbled.

Snape froze.

"Lily?" He asked incredulously. She had not spoke to him since he called her a- of course he regreted it bitterly, but she had refused to hear him out, refused to give him a chance to explain that it was a moment of err, of pure stupidity. She had coldly ignored him when they passed in the corridors for the entire of the last three months. The crushing regret he felt constantly was so bad he was willing to give his right hand just for a moment to talk to her. Yet now...

In the dim lights of the corridor, he could make out the outlines of Lily's features and her beautiful emerald eyes which were hazily half-closed. Lily stood startlingly close to him, her hand finding its way onto his chest and her eyes unfocused.

Lily giggled. "Sev."

Snape frowned. Lily never behaved like that.

Leaning closer, he could smell the fire whiskey on her breath.

"Lily, are you drunk?" He asked carefully, lines of worry cresing his forehead.

Lily smiled hazily. Her right palm pressed against him was starting to make his chest feel constricted. He grasped her shoulders and pushed Lily to an upright position. Her right hand remained stuck to his chest, her fingers curling into the folds of his robes.

Feeling a strange ache at the contact, Snape shook his head to steel his will. He told her quietly but firmly. "I'll take you back to the Gryffindor tower."

Lily shook her head quickly and wriggled out of his grasp. "No." She pouted, "I got something important to tell you." She lifted her glazed green eyes and looked blearily at some spot behind him, then abruptly slumped against him. Snape lost his balance and stumbled into the wall, sandwiched between the cold cement wall and Lily's half-unconscious, warm body.

"Lily." It was taking all of his willpower to keep his voice calm, "Lily you're drunk. You should go back now. It's past the curfew."

Lily remained sprawled against him, her fiery red hair tickling his chin as she moved her cheek against his neck. Her arms sneaked their way around his waist and she pressed herself snugly and comfortably against him. Snape drew a sharp breath when he felt Lily's arms lock around him. He could never take advantage of her like that, he knew Lily wasn't in her right state of mind and didn't know what she was doing. Lily didn't know, but he did, and he couldn't let her down, mustn't let her down. Only, when Lily was hugging him like this, like he had long dreamed her to do, it was difficult to think straight.

"Lily…" He whispered, his voice slightly hoarse. "I have to bring you back before Finch catches us."

Lily pressed her cheek into his neck and her breaths made small warm puffs on his skin. Snape gritted his teeth. Did Lily really not know what she was doing to him?

"Sev I miss you." Lily said suddenly, her voice slightly slurred. "I really do. I feel like… I really don't want to lose you to the other side, Sev, I wish all this didn't happen, I wish you could go back to the way you were, I wish you didn't…" Lily's words trailed off as she muffled them into his robes.

"Will you..." Lily's quiet voice caught in her throat, "Will you come back? I don't want to lose you."

His eyes widened as he felt a tinge of bitterness and sourness spike up his nose. His chest felt constricted, and he wanted to say so much to her. He hadn't left. He had never left. He still cared for her, still smiled when he recalled their conversations; still saw her each night behind closed lids. What happened three months ago was a stupid mistake. A stupid mistake he regretted so bitterly.

"Lily I'm… I'm sorry." He whispered, his voice barely audible. There was simply nothing else he could say. It was too late, it was clear the moment the dreaded word left his lips and the trust in her eyes shattered.

"Why?" Lily was sniffling, her voice muffled with tears that wet the front of his robe, "Why can't you leave the dark side? I want you back." Her almost child-like whines were heartbreaking to hear.

Lily's arms tightened around him and he responded, holding her waist and hugging her close. The knowledge that he'd only get to hold Lily like this because she was drunk and wasn't thinking killed him. He breathed in the scent of Lily's auburn curls and for a moment he could pretend that everything was alright again because Lily was hugging him and in this moment he still held a special position in her heart.

"Lily. I... it's not important."Snape tried to explain, the awkward words making his tongue thick and clumsy, "I'll always be there for you. If I join the dark lord, I would be able to protect you when-"

Lily's arms loosened from his back then, abruptly, and she started to pull away.

"Don't leave." The harsh whispered plea rolled off his tongue before he could even process what he was begging for.

Lily stopped, and let her arms fall limply to her side.

"You made the choice to leave, not me."The words slipped quietly from her lips. The finality in the silence following her words crushed him.

With his arms tight around her, she stood there simply, not hugging him back, not attempting to free herself. However close he held her, he could feel the distance, their now irreconcilable difference, and he knew the hug must end. Just like everything beautiful in this delusional moment.

He released her eventually, feeling his insides break off into small pieces as his arms freed her body, as she stepped back and their robes lost the last of the contact. She stood there for a moment, her lidded eyes not betraying any emotion.

Snape felt his fists clench and unclench. Lily was going to walk again yet again, and there was nothing he could do to make her see.

He couldn't stand it any more. "Lily you don't _understand_!" He exploded,as loudly as he dared to. "The dark lord will rise to power, and those who oppose him will-"

"_So what?_" Lily's glare shot to met his, her emerald ones flashing behind reddened rims. "So you have to join his crusade to eliminate the unpure, the _mudbloods_?"

Snape winced. That jab hurt, and Lily knew it. How could she not understand that whatever happens, whatever choices they make, he'd always be there for her? How could she not understand that joining the dark lord is his obligation, his only way to ensure her safety in the chaos that were to ensue?

"No." Snape said through gritted teeth, "No Lily. You don't _understand_. There is no other way, no second route-"

"There is." She cut him off fiercely. "Stay. Stay on our side and fight."

He stared into her furious emerald orbs and watched as her red hair billowed in the night breeze. She looked like a princess warrior. The insistence in her eyes were unclouded, clear, and he knew she meant it. He knew it was not because of the fire whisky, yet how could he agree? How could he risk both of their lives just like that?"

Lily closed her eyes and gritted her teeth. Then when her eyes opened again, they were cold, purposefully devoid of emotion.

Snape raised his arms hurriedly to hold her wrists, to tell her again, how he really felt. He couldn't stand Lily doing this to him. It was worse than her being mad, now she looked so utterly, coldly disappointed in him, it was as if she had decided not to care about him anymore.

It hurt to think that she wouldn't care about him anymore.

"Lily, I-" He begged, desperation making his voice thin and needy.

"No need." She brushed him off coolly. He would have been tricked too if he didn't see that flash of pain in her eyes.

"I thought..."She laughed, the cold sound empty and mirthless."I thought you'd have the courage to change. For us. For _me_."

Lily raised her arms carelessly in an empty show of defiance. He knew she was torn up inside; he wished she wouldn't do that to herself, to cover it up with this stupid bravado.

"I was wrong." She finished, a single tear making it's way down her right cheek.

Before he could respond, she spun on her heels, her flaming hair fanning out behind her in the icy night. Just before she walked away, she looked him straight in the eyes and threw down a last cold word.

"_Coward_."


End file.
